في ليلة ... ليلاء

في ليلة .. ليلاء
تكلمت مشاعري
.. تخاطب الشموع
عن وحشة الجفاء..
تمردت محاجري
و عانقت..
دموع جرح الكبرياء
في ليلة .. ليلاء
يا ليل ..
استر دمعتي
و قف معي في محنتي
يا ليل .. إني أحبهم
..لكنهم ..
باعوا مودتي
و صرت عندهم كباقي الأشياء

النارنج

Night Thoughts

It's 2:40 AM.

I know that you're sleeping, but all I can think about is you. You're the most fun I've ever had, and I don't ever want to lose you. I'm going through a lot of physical pain right now, but it's worth it. Every moment is worth it all.

The things that scare and hurt us are often the things that bring us the most joy

Why is it that I often miss you so much and yearn to hear your voice? Especially in cases of distress?

I sometimes wish and imagine, what would happen if you owned up to everything? How would I react?

Well, people often wish for things that they know are mostly impossible to reach... Can't hurt to dream can it?

I See You Everywhere...

...I find it quite strange myself.

I know it's been over six months since you passed away, but I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night after dreaming of you. Is it strange that I sometimes subconciously trick myself into thinking that you're still alive? It's quite creepy, especially when the realization hits me that you're not alive.
I remember my brother telling me that when he came back from studying abroad he had in his mind that he'd go visit the entire family, and had you in his mind too. The realization that you were gone didn't hit until after he arrived by some time.
I stopped thinking of visiting you, but sometimes, when I remember those days, or not even remember, it just happens without prior warning, I can feel your hands in mine, marked with wrinkles which symbolize the wisdom of your age.

I remember in your funeral I kept thinking to myself, all these people are here for someone who's under the ground that they're walking on. Someone who's physically available, but spiritually gone.
The thought made me sick to my stomach. It was really hard, holding myself. I know I might seem like I act fine about you in front of people, but I know deep down inside that I'm still not fine, and probably won't be for a while.

I tried to talk about you with someone so close to me. I remember finding an envelope you sent me, where you wrote a congratulations on the cover, and that someone was on the line when I found it, and when I told that someone the reply I got was unnerving, basically telling me that I should get over it already, and that I should stop putting myself in a situation where I keep holding on to the past. I was quiet, put the envelope away, hearing the excuses in my ear, trying to make the situation lighter. Well, what was said was said. This happened more than a few weeks ago. I can't forget it, though.
I'm not the type to forget easily. Is that a bad thing? Maybe it is, especially when someone attempts for me to forgive them for something, thinking all is forgotten. I used to act like it was all forgotten even though I don't possibly forget. Now, I just don't act, it's better.

You know, I always find it strange when someone accompanies your name with the phrase "May God have mercy on her soul" afterwards. It's just so definitive.
When someone talks about you or when I remember you, I remember this videoclip I watched recently, the one I recorded when we were at your house. I remember the days of having fun with family members, and the joy and sadness that we shared.

D'you remember when I was around 12 years old or younger? I remember sitting with you by myself, and engaging in a really interesting conversation with you. I was quite shy at that age, barely spoke to adults, but found you to be really appealing. You told me of things I never knew about family members. I remember us talking about how someone dreamt of someone else who had passed away long ago, and how I dreamt another dream of that same person, and you were so interested in what I had to say. I never thought you would be, and it just encouraged me to keep talking. I loved that day, and I love that memory.

I remember trying to tell someone how I felt like your death was sudden. They told me it wasn't sudden, and that I knew it was going to happen, especially since you've been in the hospital for so long and after what the doctors said. They don't really understand what I mean by sudden, cause I still think that it's that way.
I had seen you just a month ago. When they took you to the hospital we all thought it was one of those routine things, where you'd occassionally spend some time in there for a few common reasons and then leave. That's why, when visiting you, I felt so bad when seeing you. You looked so tired and spent, I really didn't realize it was serious. Then they took you to cure you abroad. Doctors there said you were too late for them to help you. Maybe you were there for a week or so. You were supposed to come back here, everyone knew you were going to, and we all wanted to see you. You were only two to three days away from coming back, and that's when I knew...
You see I feel like no one understands me here. Maybe except for my cousins, as they lived the same situation with me and all felt, too, that it was quite sudden. Everyone else saw it as a normal occurence, something that was expected to happen. Some people tried to give me false hope, saying that you'll be fine and what God intends is what will happen. They knew that I knew how they really felt, and what they thought, and that my thoughts and theirs weren't so different, yet they still said it. Trying to make someone feel better under false pretences will just annoy the person, especially when they know that the truth is so blindingly obvious to themselves and everyone around them.
It still happens though doesn't it?

Is talking to you creepy, even though I know you're not around? Maybe this is trying to get over what happened, maybe it's another step towards feeling fine.
I don't think I'll ever be fine, I just might forget a bit more as time passes by, that's all...

I love YOU

I really do, from the bottom of my heart!

It hurt and pained me so much to relive the events of the past when you had hurt me, and relive them with you. The wounds came undone, and all the stitches came undone. Yes, it was in the past, but remembering it and putting oneself in that situation makes the pain as fresh as it had happened just now. But now, there's a difference. Now, I love you more than I had before. Now, I can't bear to go through another disappearance and cutting ties again.
My dear, when you said "forever", I cherished that word. I still do, and I know, 1000%, that we will last forever.

You are my one, my only, my love, my life, my everything.
You're in the air that I breath.
In the soft breeze that plays with my hair. I like to think that your fingers are that breeze. Just the thought makes me shudder.

I love you my dear, I truly, really do.
I never thought that being in love could cause such strong emotions. I'm so thankful that I'm sharing them with you!

I can't believe it. I'm so happily in love with you that I'm actually crying from the intensity of that love!

Just don't cry my love, don't feel bad for hurting me in the past. Listen to the keyword, "past" - it's over and done with. Today we are at a much more advanced stage that is nothing compared to that ugly past.

What I would give to feel your soft lips right now...

A Measure of Love

I once heard that in all relationships, there always has to be someone who loves the other person more.
I sincerely hope that it's not me...



Which one do YOU think you are in your relationships?

Is it even possible to love each other the same "amount"...?
There's always the gardener and the flower in relationships... Have I always been a gardener? Being a flower sure feels nice, though.

I've tried being in a relationship within that construct that the active work of the relationship ebbs and flows between the two individuals. I don't know if two people can be at the exact same level at all times. One being the giver and the other the receiver; it should flow. It's the best kind to be honest, and makes the two individuals extremely happy.

I can honestly say, though, that I haven't really experienced being the "flower" so to speak, just probably the "gardener", or the flowing relationship.
I hope I'm wrong about this though...

Tagged by Dots

A - Available or Single
Neither

B - Best friend
Dots and a few others

C - Cake or Pie
Cake

E - Essential Item
Phone and laptop

F - Favorite color
Orange-red

G - Gummi bears or worms
Who would choose worms?? Gummi bears!

H - Hometown
Dubai

I - Indulgence
Chips + 7up + TV Show

J - January or February
January

K - Kids
Love them! Can't wait to have my own

L - Life
Test of patience

M - Marriage
Determined by fate, and is a part of life

N - Number of Siblings
6 (including me)

O - Oranges or Apples
Apples!

P - Phobias
Don't think so... maybe normal fear of heights

Q - Favorite Quote
No favorite

R - Reason to Smile
Seeing my actions have a very successful effect on others

S - Season
Winter

T - Tag three other people
Three? Dots tagged MD already so I guess:
I Have A Dream
Insomniac
(I'm not particularly popular in the blogosphere :p )

U - Unknown Fact About Me
I tend to daydream and smile a lot by myself. Once a professor wrote this as a comment to a paper of mine:
"Keep up the good work; and why do you always seem to be laughing at me—or something else—when nobody else is? I don’t mind, but it is interesting."

V*W - Worst Habit
Laziness

X*Y - Your Favorite Food
Watermelons, noodles, sandwiches, some pasta, apples...

Z - Zodiac
Gemini

Political Correctness

Politically correct people irriate and frustrate me, especially when I don't realize that they were able to trick me with their political correctness, or "PC".

Examples:

Q: "Do you believe me?"
A: "It doesn't matter what I think as the circumstances force me to take such an action against you."

Q: "Are you ok?"
A: "Well I don't think of things as being ok or not anymore I just believe in adapting to the reality of the situation and living with it and moving on."

Q: "Will you stop animal testing?"
A: "We will definitely work on changing policies to satisfy public needs."

Q: "Where were you?"
A: "I was -insert mundane, boring details on everyday routine things trying to make it sound like your day is filled while it really wasn't-."

PC person: "He's an economically challenged man who is currently between jobs cause he has an attention deficit."
Real person: "He's unemployed and poor cause of his bad behavior."

PC person: "She just has an alternative body image."
Real person: "She's fat."

PC person: "Don't blame him, he's just emotionally different."
Real person: "He's crazy."

PC person: "It's in the early stages of finalisation."
Real person: "I didn't finish it yet."

---

I was pretty close to studying politics. Ironic.

Keep it simple and straight people!

Don't You Hate It...

When almost every past significant event in your life haunts you? All the pain inflicted on you by others - loved ones and not so loved ones - comes back in one night...

Becoming an Insomniac!

I don't know what got into me. I literally cannot sleep for over 5 hours lately, and I have no good reason to explain it! Nothing's on my mind and I'm fine! Why can't I sleep?!

Anyway, it's 6:10 AM now and my first class starts at 10. I'll have to think of something to do until then.

I have environmental science at 10, a requirement I didn't take when I first started. I always hated biology, so I don't know how well I'll be able to cope. I did choose this teacher cause I took a class with him before, and know how strict he is with handing work on time. He grinds his students well, which I like. It really prepares one for the final.

I don't like my subjects this semester. Intro to IT and Computing seems boring, maybe except the web design part. Business Communication seems nice, I like writing and presenting. So maybe it's not so bad.

I should seriously take a pill for tommorrow night; this isn't healthy!
My eyes look so red

Peekvid

Don't you hate having to wait for four to six hours for your PC to download a movie or tv show that you really want to watch? P2P programs, like Limewire, Bittorrent and Azureus usually take a few hours before the entire file is downloaded onto your system.

I have a solution for you. If, like me, you're tired of waiting, Peekvid is the solution for you.
You don't have to wait. Click on the movie you want to watch and it will show it to you on a full screen. It usually comes in parts, but it's okay. If you have a DSL connection, then it's perfect for you.

I love it.

(watch Little Mosque on the Prairie in TV shows. It provides an interesting perspective of Muslims living in the West.)

Poncho

I'm currently reading a book, Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki with Sharon L. Lechter, C.P.A. In it, Sharon talks about her little boy.
He asks her the classic question that all kids ask parents, "Why do we need to go to school?"
So she answers with the classical response saying that good grades ensure a successful future, to which he replies by saying that good grades don't ensure a good future as getting a job just means working really hard to earn money while those who have a lot of money didn't even get a good education to start with, like Bill Gates who dropped out of university and Micheal Jordan who pursued a career in basketball.
While it's true that most people aren't as lucky to get high incomes with no educational background, let's face it, to us education equals security. Living on the edge is quite risky. However, truth be told, a sound education does not guarantee big money. It guarantees being fed and clothed, but does not guarantee success.

So what is it that makes one successful?

Well, according to the authors of the book, a mixture of investing plus financing skills is the solution. Apparently, Sharon met Robert at a workshop he was teaching where he was trying to teach people these skills through a game. The game had basic balance sheets and income statements which many couldn't understand. There was a business owner and a banker who were struggling with these basic financial statements. What does that tell you about financial knowledge?

The book's title, Rich Dad Poor Dad, came from Robert's childhood, as he was raised by two fathers who he loved very much. One was rich the other poor.
Here are a few excerpts from the book:

one dad would say, "The love of money is the root of all evil." The other, "The lack of money is the root of all evil."

[...]

One of the reasons the rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the middle class struggles in debt is because the subject of money is taught at home, not in school. Most of us learn about money from our parents. So what can a poor parent tell their child about money? They simply say, "Stay in school and study hard." The child may graduate with excellent grades but with a poor person's financial programming and mind-set. It was learned while the child was young.

[...]

One dad had a habit of saying, "I can't afford it." The other dad forbade those words to be used. He insisted I say, "How can I afford it?" One is a statement, and the other is a question. One lets you off the hook, and the other forces you to think. My soon-to-be rich dad would explain that by automatically saying the words "I can't afford it," your brain stops working. By asking the question, "How can I afford it?" your brain is put to work. He did not mean buy everything you want. He was fanatical about exercising your mind, the most powerful computer in the world. "My brain gets stronger everyday because I exercise it. The stronger it gets, the more money I can make." He believed that automatically saying "I can't afford it" was a sign of mental laziness.

[...]

My two dads had opposing attitudes in thought. One dad thought that the rich should pay more in taxes to take care of those less fortunate. The other said, "Taxes punish those who produce and reward those who don't produce."

One dad recommended, "Study hard so you can find a good company to work for." The other recommended, "Study hard so you can find a good company to buy."

One dad said, "The reason I'm not rich is because I have you kids." The other said, "The reason I must be rich is because I have you kids."

One encouraged talking about money and business at the dinner table. The other forbade the subject of money to be discussed over a meal.

One said, "When it comes to money, play it safe, don't take risks." The other said, "Learn to manage risk."

One believed, "Our home is our largest investment and our greatest asset." The other believed, "My house is a liability, and if your house is your largest investment, you're in trouble."

Both dads paid their bills on time, yet one paid his bills first while the other paid his bills last.

One dad believed in a company or the government taking care of you and your needs [...] The other believed in total financial self-reliance. He spoke out against the "entitlement" mentality and how it was creating weak and financially needy people. He was emphatic about being financially competent.

One dad struggled to save a few dollars. The other simply created investments.

One dad taught me how to write an impressive resume so I could find a good job. The other taught me how to write strong business and financial plans so I could create jobs.

My poor dad would also say, "I'm not interested in money" or "Money doesn't matter." My rich dad said, "Money is power."

[my rich dad] encouraged me to study to be rich, to understand how money works and to learn how to have it work for me. "I don't work for money!" were words he would repeat over and over, "Money works for me!"

It's interesting how schools now teach us things that we don't really use in real life. Actual life skills depend on one's luck.

Another good book, How to Sell Anything to Anybody, by Joe Girard, was an enjoyable read. He's a salesman, the guy who stands in the store waiting for customers to come in.
Except that he doesn't wait. He has unique techniques. One of them is keeping track of the customers he sells to using a system. He sells cars, so what he basically does is he calls you up maybe three years after he sells it to you, asking you if you're interested in buying a new one. He also sends personalized birthday cards like the ones from Hallmark instead of the stuffy corporate ones. He simply signs it, "Joe Girard, Chevrolet Motors." It might cost that much more, but let's be honest here, wouldn't you remember the guy who sent you the sweet card? I know I would.
He keeps balloons, candy and cigars in his desk drawer so that if a potential customer walks in with his kids, he knows what to give them to entertain them. He's a delight to talk to and makes excellent small talk. One of the things he does is he fills in the order form as the customer is speaking so that they don't have to do that after the customer says he wants the car, he can simply sign the form and take the car home with him.
Another technique is selling right there, right then. Customers hate waiting, so if someone says they want a navy blue car he won't say it'll arrive next month, as that's too long and the customer would've looked at another dealer by then. So he tells the customer that he has the car in stock, maybe it's a powder blue one. He takes him down to where they keep their inventory, pretending to curse his incompetent staff for this mistake. He then starts to compliment the car and tries to flatter the customer. Chances are, he'll leave with it.

Yesterday, I was out shopping with a friend. We saw this beautiful Mexican poncho that I knew would look great on her. She seemed hesitant as she never bought a poncho before and wasn't very open to buying something that was completely new to her.
As we started to walk away, I remembered reading Joe Girard saying that one of the techniques he used was to put the customer inside the car. Making a customer try something makes them feel obligated to it. So whatever it is you're selling, clothes or cosmetics or electronics, make sure you make the customer try it. There's a higher chance they'll buy it.
I turned back and told her, "Will you look at that?! It's screaming, 'Please try me on!' Go ahead just try it on you don't have to buy it. Let's see how it looks like on you."

She bought it.

Family Pride

I told you last night that I might be gone sometime, and you said, Where, and I said, To be with the Good Lord, and you said, Why, and I said, Because I'm old, and you said, I don't think you're old. And you put your hand in my hand and you said, You aren't very old, as if that settled it. I told you you might have a very different life from mine, and from the life you've had with me, and that would be a wonderful thing, there are many ways to live a good life. And you said, Mama already told me that. And then you said, Don't laugh! because you thought I was laughing at you. You reached up and put your fingers on my lips and gave me that look I never in my life saw on any other face besides your mother's. It's a kind of furious pride, very passionate and stern. I'm always a little surprised to find my eyebrows unsinged after I've suffered one of those looks. I will miss them.
- Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

Pride is a horrible thing, especially when one feels it towards one's family. Breaking barriers is difficult; how often do you hear children tell their parents they love them after the age of 13? Why is it so difficult? Don't we all, as children, yearn for a show of affection from and towards our parents?

Imagine a hypothetical situation: The child is used to viewing parents as the people who the child needs to get permission from for certain things, not as the people who care for the child. The child grows up, and the parents decide to change. What's the point now? The child is a young adult; adults can take care of themselves. When a person grows up, after a childhood of neutrality, the person finds it difficult to cope. The poisonous adjective, pride, comes in the way.

Dealing with pride is difficult. Not dealing with it is disasturous. We tend to form high opinions about ourselves... Why feel higher than the people who clothed, bathed, fed and raised you? We're fragile, and without them, God knows what would've happened to us. Showing gratitude towards parents is difficult for many, but with the strength of willpower, anything is possible.