Friday, February 17, 2006

Fantasy: Bed of Roses

I'm standing at the tip of a mountain; all I need is a soft push and I'll fall really hard into a big bed of roses, sweet and beautiful, like nothing I've ever experienced before. Trying to keep my balance on that tip is so exhausting, I keep tilting myself back and forth; knowing that the logical thing to do is to step back a bit, but why do I find it so difficult to? Why don't I want to? It's like I'm hanging on a thin thread and it could break at any moment.

The life which is unexamined is not worth living

I keep looking down, looking at the bed that awaits me, wishing for the thread to break, waiting for it to give me the chance to fall.

We come from the same planet, but it's like we're universes away. As if they're so alien...

There might be a few thorns here and there, but I know I'd reach for the closest sweet smelling rose to pick and smell, and that when I do, the scratch the thorn caused will seem insignificant, and will heal itself like all scratches do. If I do encounter a bed of roses filled with painful thorns and there was no going back to the sweet roses, I know that I'll remember them and won't regret the timeI spent there, for they could be the best experience of my life. Looking back with a smile could be wishful thinking, as everyone would think that I'd be too busy trying to mend the scratches, but maybe it's just what made it all worthwhile, and that's what would keep me smiling.

To be matter of fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy -- and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful.

Could I be living this?

The poet is in command of his fantasy, while it is exactly the mark of the neurotic that he is possessed by his fantasy.

I think that I might be neurotic.

I understand the logic behind the thin thread that's holding me, but maybe being too logical could mean ceasing all. Following the heart and living experiences makes a life worthwhile.

A fantasy is a situation imagined by an individual or group, which does not correspond with reality but expresses certain desires or aims of its creator. Fantasies typically involve situations which are impossible or highly unlikely.

I think it might be a fantasy.
Let's hope I wake up from it soon, hanging on a thread is really exhausting. Rollercoaster rides can take us up and down, into an emotional hell.

(written on the 17th of November, 2005)


I was thinking of these roses a lot lately, and now that I read this old piece of mine I can't help but wonder, "Would I have been that ambitious in wanting to break that thread if I knew that I would end up here today?"

Breaking the Chains:

وُئد في مهده قبل أن أتهنى به

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I'll Never Say It

I'm searching for the words inside my head
Feeling nervous
Pulling at my hair...
I can't say it!
I pull at my hair again tightly
I'm telling myself to keep calm
and I know that it's so obvious
But I act dumb about it
And so do you
I start to stare at my hands
Telling them to stop shaking
My teeth are biting into my lip
And my palms feel wet
My cheeks start feeling hot
And my mind's a constant swirl

If I could say what I wanted to say
Then I'd say that I...
Feel jealous to see you get affection from others
Feel angry when I am helpless
Feel depressed when the tiniest things happen
Pretend to be fine when I'm not
Feel resentment towards myself for not being perfect
because I experience these feelings
And I wish that I were perfect,
it would've been so much more easier
I wouldn't have to regret the time I didn't spend with you
or the things that I never got the chance to say
I wouldn't have to resent myself anymore
Nor will I have to wish that I could turn back time
and have another chance to play my cards right
And I wouldn't have to want to erase all the bad parts

I'd say that I cared about you
And that I only feel these things because I can't help them
I'd say that I wished if I could one day control my feelings
And spare all the bad ones, and keep all the good

If only I could say
The things that I'll never say

I’d say what about you
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to say
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things
I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

- Lyrics from Avril Lavigne's song, "Things I'll Never Say"

Dots and MD, I know that I took such a long time for this update. I had a severe case of blogger's block if you will. I dedicate this update to the two of you (not the words, just the update haha)

Breaking the Chains:

"Never say never, for if you live long enough, chances are you will not be able to abide by its restrictions. Never is a long, undependable time, and life is too full of rich possibilities to have restrictions placed upon it."
Gloria Swanson