Friday, December 30, 2005
Just when you think that you're starting to move on, that things are finally getting better, that your mind isn't busied with that one thought that you thought you couldn't get rid of.. something always comes up that triggers it again. Maybe a mention of it, or maybe even the thing itself which you are trying so hard to avoid jumps back.
You can't deny it, it's simply not possible. It's right there in front of you; the mention of it will exist, it will never cease. You try to tell yourself that in order to move on you have to learn to live with it, but why is it so hard...?
It's not just one thought that's in your head, it's numerous thoughts. You're trying to get over something while ignoring flashbacks of painful memories and trying to get over a fear all at the same time. Other thoughts are crawling at the back of your head, dividing your hair in the middle and crawling inside its roots making its way to your mind in order to inhabit it. You'd think that if you had anti-thought spray, it'd all be consumed at night. Maybe then you'll get rid of the many questions that are bothering you and you'd be able to have a peaceful sleep...
Plastering a plastic smile on your face is just too exhausting, yet you keep telling yourself that it's okay and that everything is absolutely fine. Maybe if you kept repeating it often enough, you'll start to believe your own little lie.
Exhaustion takes its toll on you, you sleep for a few minutes only to be awoken by the cursed thoughts. It puts you in such a cranky mood that your dearest notice it on you no matter how much you try and ignore it. You tell them that you're fine, and you tell yourself that also.. but if you were fine, why is it that you're too afraid of going back to sleep even though you feel so tired? Afraid of what you could dream of.. or what would wake you up?
You go downstairs, and you open the lights. You keep staring at them for a moment, letting a dizzy rush take its effect on you for a moment, staring at the translucent lights that are sinking onto the kitchen counters. You automatically switch on the oven heat, open the cabinet and take a packet out, and pour the contents onto a cooking pan.. and let nature take its course. The aroma of cooked food fills the place. In your half-awake state, you try and get out some pepper and chilli powder. fumbling with them, but in the attempt so much of it is thrown onto your face that you can't help but sneeze so loudly and tear in the process. The tears then turn into sobs; soft ones though, as it's so late and you don't want anyone to hear. You're thankful for the sneeze, it let you take out a bit of what you felt inside, even if it was for only a few seconds.
You go back up to your room. You're starting to feel queasy from all the food you've eaten. You go to the bathroom to throw it up but you can't.. you're just too exhausted, you feel so drained out.
You'd think that being drained out would want to make you go to sleep wouldn't you.. yet it just scares you even more, because that means that sleep is coming near. You don't want the thoughts back just yet, you're not ready...
So you open your blog, and write it all down.. maybe, just maybe, putting it off for a bit is going to make it that much easier to bear.
Breaking the Chains:
"Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything."
Saturday, December 24, 2005
I just wrote this last night, albeit not one of my best yet just needed to let it out:
Sweet heart, do not fall
For a memory long past
Instead look beyond the horizon
For a future that will last
Don't deny that you cannot love
Then that would mean to hate
And if you say neither exist
Then our existence overstayed its due date
Sometimes, I would fill myself with rage
For fear that I would receive unreturned feelings
But now I think that there is no such thing as unreturned feelings
The pay is certain - one way or another
It let me write these words
The stars are seperating them, each is a different entry.
Breaking the Chains:
"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all."
Videora iPod Convertor, click here to download it
I found the magical program:
This link is going to help you figure out how to convert from your DVD's or video files to your video iPod!
I'm beginning to like Videora... It can convert to many other formats too
Breaking the Chains:
"No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer It has chosen."
"Tangerine is the common name for a variety of Mandarin orange. The mandarin
orange is native to southeastern Asia and has been widely cultivated in
orange-growing regions of the world. The tangerine resembles the orange but is
smaller and oblate in shape and has a more pungent odor, a thinner rind, and
sections that may be readily separated. It has a food value comparable to that
of the orange, but the fruit is more delicate and subject to damage in
They're sweet and so tasty, but I have the weirdest habit in me where I would reject them if they were already peeled, cause I have to peel them myself or else they won't be tasty to me. Also, I always look for the small pieces, cause they don't have any seeds in them and are easier to chew. They're also sweeter.
- Watermelon's official name is Citrullus lanatus of the botanical family Curcurbitacae and it is a vegetable. It is related to cucumbers, pumpkins and squash.
- A watermelon was once thrown at Roman Governor Demosthenes during a political debate. Placing the watermelon upon his head, he thanked the thrower for providing him with a helmet to wear as he fought Philip of Macedonia.
- Early explorers used watermelons as canteens.
- Watermelons are more than 90% water. That's how it got its name! For that reason, in ancient times travelers used them as a source of transportable water.
- They vary in size and shape. The Japanese recently even developed a SQUARE watermelon!
A sweet, drippy and juicy fruit that tastes so good, especially from its core. I would sometimes cut a watermelon in half, grab a spoon and eat from the area in the center of it, ignoring the seeds and enjoying its sweet taste. If I'd cut it with its rind (outer green part) then I'd cut the parts with the seeds and literally eat the watermelon with its green parts as well. Call me a watermelon lover!
Was it Sir Isaac Newton who said, "I wouldn't know what gravity was if it hit me over the head"? It seems he was in for a surprise. There he was, sitting under the old apple tree, minding his own business, when a ripe, juicy apple plunked down on his head and, well, the rest is history.
He may not have been able to answer the question "how" the apple fell, but he might have asked the question "why" the apple fell. He may have pondered, "That apple has been sitting on that tree for weeks. It's gone through rainstorms and strong winds and it never fell off. And now, after it turned a tantalizing bright red color, it decides to fall on my head. What is this, some kind of wake-up call?"
So he thinks about it. "Did I ever realize before that all fruits - apples, oranges, bananas, plums, peaches, grapes and cherries are all totally green before they ripen, and that they blend in perfectly with the leaves of their tree's? Maybe that's so that no one will notice them and pick them until they're ready.
Green apples are sour yet sweet, definitely one of my favorites as well.
Most mangosteens are harvested in the Far East. It takes about 15 years before the mangosteen tree fruit bears fruits.
It's a sweet and chilly fruit, one that's wrinkly as well. Just like old people, with all their wrinkles and all there's a pure sweetness inside of them that is so sugary to your tongue. I like them fat and ripe, they're nice to hold and take in.
Why does this picture remind me of one of those microscope bacteria things we'd see in the science lab when we used to go to school?
Rambutan's are hairy, scary and ugly on the outside yet contain a sweet white pulp on the inside. It's like they say: Everyone has a heart of gold, so does a hard-boiled egg.
Note: Some facts are pasted from the internet
Breaking the Chains:
"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
I've been looking in the mirror for so
That I've come to believe my souls on the other
Oh the little pieces falling,
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
Don't most of us have two people living inside us? Our reflection and ourselves? They're chains that people make, according to how they judge us... Be brave enough to break them by being smart.
Breaking the Chains:
"Be yourself and no one else."
Someone dear to me
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
I recently went through something that absolutely shook me and also made me take a life changing decision in the process. To be miserable in the beginning is natural, it's just human nature to want to take it out. After taking it out comes the proccess of thinking, first of all thinking of how to avoid experiencing a similar situation in the future; next, thinking of how to overcome this miserable state and how to move on. Finally, we move on and that's the end of that; of course, we keep smiling!
In taking it out:
Having a friend to talk about it with is a really good way of taking it out, you feel like half of your worries vanish when you do that. Other ways can be taking it out by thinking about it or by writing; writing really does help to vend off some steam. Also, reading pieces - especially ones with soothing words - can be extremely helpful. Going back to the Quran and praying a lot is extremely reassuring too.
In overcoming it:
We shouldn't let it control us - that is, form our lives due to its happening - and we should break the chains that it tries to wrap around us. Busying ourselves with other things is one thing that really helps; take out that list of things to do that you never really got around to doing and start doing some of them. Cook, garden, read, write, hang out with friends and enjoy your time. There are countless activities to do when you think of it, you just have to want to do them in order to have a good time and possess a large grin on your face (which is pretty easy to do, you just stretch your lips!). Someone once told me that bubble baths work wonders. Oh, and by thinking that it will be okay then it will be okay!
In moving on:
Just have the will to do it, and be strong because you can overcome anything once you set your mind to it. Nothing is worth being miserable, and only positive thinking and good blueprinting that things will turn out fine and having the knowledge that everything happens for a reason is what will help you move on. Keep imagining yourself in another situation, and compare your situation with someone in a worst situation, believe me it really makes you feel better about yourself and your situation, it makes it seem small compared to that one!
In the Chinese language, words are always made up of two things. The word "crisis" is made up of the words "opportunity" and "danger". Now that the danger is over, take the opportunity to learn from it; learn how to challenge yourself in overcoming it and how to avoid it in the future, plus, look for other lessons for it's always the hidden and seemingly insignificant lessons that make all the difference.
Things are meant to be, be them good or bad; yet usually, they always turn out for the best. And so, have faith in your Creator for He loves you. And whenever you feel like you reached the most miserable state ever then know that after every climax there comes a decline, and after every worst miserable state there comes a decline and happiness is to come.
I've lived through all of the above and I can really base it on every bad situation I've been through. Thank you, to everyone who stood by me and helped me through this, I really appreciate it. Outside help makes all the difference on the inside.
Note: Check this link for stress relievers
Breaking the Chains:
"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I'd personally say that they have to be treated first because considering the fact that they're mentally ill, the atmosphere of prison could very well depress them and lead them to have suicidal thoughts; or, they could get really angry and unleash it on their fellow inmates. Maybe they shouldn't even be jailed at all. When thinking of it thoroughly, it isn't really their fault as they weren't fully conscious when they commited the crime. It's not like they intended to do it, their brains simply have chemicals that they cannot control, chemicals that affect their nerves and actions that they don't even know of.
A recent article in Gulfnews.com showed that some of the mentally ill people who have not commited a crime are placed in jail with the other inmates because, as prison officials believe, some of them should not be housed in medical facilities as some of them could be "dangerous".
Dr Tourky said the prison takes good care of the non-criminal mentally ill
patients who are jailed because there is not enough space for them in the
hospital. "They are not criminals. We take care of them. They are considered
high priority," he said.
For those deemed suicidal or dangerous, he said prison officials ensure there are no sharp objects or anything that can be turned into a weapon. "Anything they can use to harm themselves or others," said Dr Tourky. He said prison officials also screen inmates for infectious diseases.
In the article, it is stated that the jail houses a number of patients - some children - who have communicable diseases, and adults and children are all housed together. A mentally ill patient was found dead in a Sharjah jail some days back, and the police are investigating whether it's a murder (in which case I think that the mentally disturbed should definitely not be placed with inmates who are in their full conscious mind in order not to be taken advantage of) or whether it's a suicide (which simply proves my above point regarding the pressure that jail atmospheres serve the mentally ill).
The Ministry of Health may build a separate facility to house mentally ill
patients in the UAE, depending on need.
I think that a medical institute for mentally ill patients is desperately needed.
Dr Gamil Tourky, assistant director of the preventive medicine department at
Sharjah medical district, said building the facility depended on the magnitude
of the problem.
A mentally ill patient was found dead, children and adults alike with communicable diseases are housed under the same roof, and as if that's not enough, but psychiatrists themselves say that patients should not be housed with criminals.
The above says everything that there is to say about the Ministry of Health in the UAE. Let's hope to see changes in the facilities offered by the government, it's safe to say that many things should be undertaken regarding this issue.
Click here for the original Gulfnews article.
Breaking the Chains:
"What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance."
I once read something that I really liked, it's always said that whenever someone complains about their being no people in a photo you should reply, "There are always two people in a photo, the photographer and the viewer." Maybe if we took that saying literally, portrait photos would include all types of photos.
The point is: just like tango, it takes two nations to form peace between them, it takes two partners to make a relationship work or be destroyed, it takes two to make and/or destroy something. All that you need is to find a partner that is at the same level as you are in dancing tango, not less than you so that your partner takes you both down, and not more than you so that you take your partner down. One of you could even be dancing to a different song. Sometimes, it could be the same song, but the two of you simply don't dance with each other, you're each lost in your own rhythm. Your partner might step on your foot or you step on your partner's foot once in awhile because one of you had to trip. It's sometimes funny though, how it's not the loser that tripped.
Breaking the Chains:
"If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison, it went a lot faster with two people digging."
Friday, December 09, 2005
write how free we might seem or look yet we have chains allAnd that settled it, so I will.
over us .. big chains and really tiny invisible chains chains even in our
hearts.. souls .. some of which we can break so easily but some we simply
struggle or loose hope in breaking them.. some could be broken mby a sweet word,
a sweet guesture .. others.. you need a lot of convincing.. where is the key of
these chains.. and who chained us.
Why does the caged bird sing? It looks around, in hopes of getting out it first scratches the cage with its beak until it bleeds; then, it flies around the cage to see if there could be an exit somewhere, a little open door that was forgotten. It is vicious and ferocious at that time. After giving up, the bird starts to greive its existence in this cage, knowing that it's almost impossible to leave it. It looks outside the cage, and wonders how it would feel like to be free again. It then starts singing, a melodious chirp that beautifully paints a wide grin on people's faces. Isn't it strange how a sadness is the cause of someone else's happiness?
There's this Arabic poem with a line that says, "Don't mistake my laughter between you as a joyous chirp, for a bird could be dancing from the horrendous pain." I like to think that this line relates to a lot of people who mask their pain with a smile on their face, maybe by using a red marker to draw that smile and hide those tears. Exactly like clowns, they smile a smile that was forced, not one that was drawn by happy (or maybe endorphic) feelings.
Someone - angelic - summed that up pretty well:
These days, the clowns i know are people with a painted
smile on their faces and yet a depressed soul...People who'd tell you they are
fine.. who'd act like they are fine.. yet we all know.. me, you, and them that
they are not at all "fine". They hide behind the painted smile and the red nose.
Is that a good sheild ? Not when our souls know them so very well to a limit
that they could see beyond those colors and paints.. !Don't we all do that? Act
like those kind of clowns? Maybe we should learn how to be a clown with a saying
;) Who knows.. we might be rich :p
Maybe someone should get a file, and file our way out of this mess, out of the mental chains that we granted ourselves that were caused by the chains that society locked us in and family, by turn, made the lock tighter with. A file would just make a mess though, it would leave scratches and a big trail of metal dust. Of course, the process would be tedious and would take ages, no one said that metal is easy to break, it needs a lot of patience and strength.
Easier yet, just find the key to unlocking the chain to unlock it at once instead of trying to use brawn and physical strength. Brain overcomes brawn and makes it easier to unlock hidden mysteries, lost keys to chains being one of them. So it's a matter of choice really, either find the key and expect a few scratches in searching for them here and there, or go through the long and tedious process of filing them. Filing is easier of course, as you will get what you want in the end: Freedom. Brains are the smarter choice, cause if we were to get lucky then we'd find the key, and if not then it was simply a waste of time.
I'd choose brains, for I believe that nothing is a lost cause; anything and everything has an answer to it.
Welcome to my blog!
I'm Seraphic and I'm locked in tight chains, trying to untighten the knot as I go on.
Breaking the Chains:
"For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others."