When you can't get something out of your head, and you try so hard to sleep it off yet you wake yourself up with that unbearable thought that has been swimming in your head ever since you can remember. Will it ever get better?
Just when you think that you're starting to move on, that things are finally getting better, that your mind isn't busied with that one thought that you thought you couldn't get rid of.. something always comes up that triggers it again. Maybe a mention of it, or maybe even the thing itself which you are trying so hard to avoid jumps back.
You can't deny it, it's simply not possible. It's right there in front of you; the mention of it will exist, it will never cease. You try to tell yourself that in order to move on you have to learn to live with it, but why is it so hard...?
It's not just one thought that's in your head, it's numerous thoughts. You're trying to get over something while ignoring flashbacks of painful memories and trying to get over a fear all at the same time. Other thoughts are crawling at the back of your head, dividing your hair in the middle and crawling inside its roots making its way to your mind in order to inhabit it. You'd think that if you had anti-thought spray, it'd all be consumed at night. Maybe then you'll get rid of the many questions that are bothering you and you'd be able to have a peaceful sleep...
Plastering a plastic smile on your face is just too exhausting, yet you keep telling yourself that it's okay and that everything is absolutely fine. Maybe if you kept repeating it often enough, you'll start to believe your own little lie.
Exhaustion takes its toll on you, you sleep for a few minutes only to be awoken by the cursed thoughts. It puts you in such a cranky mood that your dearest notice it on you no matter how much you try and ignore it. You tell them that you're fine, and you tell yourself that also.. but if you were fine, why is it that you're too afraid of going back to sleep even though you feel so tired? Afraid of what you could dream of.. or what would wake you up?
You go downstairs, and you open the lights. You keep staring at them for a moment, letting a dizzy rush take its effect on you for a moment, staring at the translucent lights that are sinking onto the kitchen counters. You automatically switch on the oven heat, open the cabinet and take a packet out, and pour the contents onto a cooking pan.. and let nature take its course. The aroma of cooked food fills the place. In your half-awake state, you try and get out some pepper and chilli powder. fumbling with them, but in the attempt so much of it is thrown onto your face that you can't help but sneeze so loudly and tear in the process. The tears then turn into sobs; soft ones though, as it's so late and you don't want anyone to hear. You're thankful for the sneeze, it let you take out a bit of what you felt inside, even if it was for only a few seconds.
You go back up to your room. You're starting to feel queasy from all the food you've eaten. You go to the bathroom to throw it up but you can't.. you're just too exhausted, you feel so drained out.
You'd think that being drained out would want to make you go to sleep wouldn't you.. yet it just scares you even more, because that means that sleep is coming near. You don't want the thoughts back just yet, you're not ready...
So you open your blog, and write it all down.. maybe, just maybe, putting it off for a bit is going to make it that much easier to bear.
Breaking the Chains:
"Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything."