Thursday, March 16, 2006

Trying to Mend

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will…"

The past few days have shook me. They shook me to the point that the pain was so deep my body had to numb it for me. I think that because my body knew that if it let the pain bite at me it would be too much, it started to go upside down.
Have you ever been through something that hurt you so much that instead of crying you'd start laughing uncontrollably? That's how I was and probably still am. I think I'm starting to be sane again, I'm just waiting to break down so that I can finally start to move on.

Shock does this, doesn't it? When you get shocked by something that someone does to you, someone you'd have never expected this of...

My days are tiring, my weaknesses have come undone. I managed to knot them, thanks to someone who stood by my side, but now that they've left me in such a strange way, my old wounds are starting to freshen. It's funny how I can remain quiet for quite a while and would suddenly laugh for no reason. I thought that laughing was supposed to make you happy, why do I manage to end up with a headache after laughing? Sometimes I'd be listening to someone recounting a story that is anything but funny yet I'd have to bite my lip so hard to stop laughs from escaping my lips. The headaches make it hard for me to focus. Catching me daydream these days is very normal, I can't get the source of the headache out of my mind... The pain of the headache is also making concentrating on anything else almost impossible.

Yet I try.. and I try.

They say that time is the best healer. Is it a healer, though? I think that time just numbs the pain, it doesn't heal it at all. We become stronger because we start to forget, but if something triggers our memory and we start to remember a bad memory then all the pain that we experienced in the past will come back, all new. We never healed, we just forgot.. Being forgetful truly is a blessing...
For example, five years after the death of a loved one I wouldn't cry as often as I did one month after their death because with time I'd forget. But, if something reminded me of the person that passed away, I'd go back to what I used to do. Did time heal me? No, it didn't, or else I would've been fine. It just numbed the pain for me with the help of my receding memory.

There's just one thing that I would love to know...
Why, after knotting and stitching the wounds tightly for me, have they loosened them now?

What on earth have I done to deserve this...

Would I benefit from knowing why? Should I forget about my curiousity? Will getting an answer make this easier on me?

In the end, though, hearing one thoughtful kind word always helps to bring me one step closer to carrying a real smile.

Breaking the Chains:

"A torn jacket is soon mended; but hard words bruise the heart of a child."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


dots said...

i love you..

please leave it.

MD said...

oh crap. i sense cheating :@

MD said...

ok i just read ur post :(

what u describe as contrary reactions seem like symptoms of acute bi-polar; which is when you have extreme mood swings. i went thru the same thing so i know what ure feeling.

seraph u need to pull urself out of this ASAP. dont watch or allow urself to crumble. it has taken u a lot of hardwork to be who u are.

and getting answers to ur questions means nothing. dont wait for them and dont spend ur life waiting for them. they will be revealed to u at the right time...and that day, everything will fall into place.

i think we need to be on conference.

Seraph said...

dots, i love you too

md, lol.. i need to see a shrink ;p 3adi haha

Saloom said...

pain is so pure and raw and hurtful.. god do i know what ur talking about.. hope ur feeling better, m'luv, 3a golat a mutual friend..
"denya matiswa"

Seraph said...


i think i know that mutual friend ;)
things will get better inshallah.. thanks for passing by dude