Saturday, January 07, 2006

Selfish Love vs. Sincere Love

Do you believe in such a thing? It's interesting how when you love someone, that love can be absolutely selfish; or, it can be sincere.

For example, let's say that your best friend is going to leave the country and study abroad. You get upset and don't want her to leave you. Now this is called selfish love, it's because you love yourself more than the person that you claim to love. If you sincerely loved her, you would have been happy for her and wanted her to be happy and gain as much as she can out of this experience. Some girls even get upset when their best friend gets married, thinking that she'd leave them and live her life with her husband. Or even if a friend wasn't there for you when you needed her/him, you get all upset instead of thinking of what they were doing.
Another example is a person's death. You get upset that they left this world and left you. Instead of you being joyous for their gaining a place in Heaven, you act on your selfishness and get upset, making them get tortured in their grave.

Now this is not to say that such actions cannot be justified, for we are all human beings here with emotions. We get jealous, upset, happy, excited, depressed and so on. I've been told that the only time such an action of getting upset and the such can truly be justified is when the person you love is hurting themselves by doing something wrong. Like doing illegal things for example, or perhaps engaging in sinful acts.

The true and sincere love is very hard to find, and very rare. It's the kind of love where a person, even in their worst moments, puts you before them. This can be argued of course, where asking for another's help if you needed it is crucial in such situations especially since the other party would feel much better if being in the know at the moment rather than after it (that is, if it was their feelings that would be considered).

Relationships between the opposite sexes in our society are mostly based on gaining a feeling of security and are thus selfish. They are not, in any way, sincere. Think about it, these things are usually started in order to gain a feeling of security in order to cope with the hard times that are went through. Those relationships almost never work, even if they did end in marriage, for they will be rocky ones.
True love between two members of the opposite sex is very rare, but it does exist. Fishing for a good partner that doesn't base feelings on one emotion (most probably, security) and puts their partner in front of them in everything, is absolutely honest with them and trusts them so much is what makes true love the most seekable feeling ever; it means respect, honesty, trust, security and comfort. That, among other things. Some people settle for a few of those components, and try and make things work out. Others have them all, and those are the luckiest.

That's the difference between selfish and sincere love as I understand it, others might have different perspectives.

Breaking the Chains:

"Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command."

Alan Watts


MD said...

firstly, i LOVE ur quotes. not only do they compliment ur thoughts but they are so 'whole' in themselves!

ok coming to the issue. to be honest, i dont think this is how i classify 'selfish' love. or maybe our connotations differ?

selfish love (for me) is when someone only thinks for himself/herself above the partner. my friend dated this gurl who made him buy phones and stuff for her. she didnt respect what he felt for her and blindly kept using him for her selfish reasons. THIS is selfish. u gave an example of someone dying. i dont think that is selfish. on the contrary, i think that is genuine love. my grandma and uncles passed away and these were the ppl closest to me and i saw them thru their last days. it just hurts so much and it's been 10 yrs since my grandma passed away. yet, i remember her EACH n every day and many times i just drive by the graveyard (since i cant go in, i park my car outside n remain in the car). and i just end up crying. i control so much but the hurt in my heart just comes out in tears. i try so much to stop coz i dont want them to be tortured in their grave. i want them to be happy and i console myself by saying theyre happier inshallah.

thats why, i dont think that crying for a dead person is selfish (unless u're faking it) :P

true love is rare, like u said. but i have faith in it. we all want someone to share our lives with. altruism doesnt exist. we always want something in return. we do charity because we want to commit good deeds. so even charity is altruistic. how can love be then?

as humans, we are social people. and we need someone - someone special - to be there with us. it makes our life so much different.

if it has to be love...let it be pure. let it be from within ur heart. let it be unconditional. let it be free of materialism and outward beauty. let it be a spiritual bond. the ability to co-exist. there shouldn't be so many variations in love.

it should be just one :)

Seraph said...

well don't you think that when crying over a loss, be it death or going away for a long time (such as travel) then that means that ur upset at your own loss and are thus selfish for you are not thinking of what good it would do them in either the Hereafter or for their studies for example, or whatever reason the travel was for?
believe me sweetheart i do the same thing that you do, i would also cry at the loss of a dear one because i genuinely did love them, maybe it's for the fact that you mentioned later on (which, btw, i absolutely LOVED) which is that altruism doesn't exist. that's what comes with love, you give and take, and you yourself cry at your own loss yet you still carry the love that they instilled deep inside of you and pass it on around you.

you're right about charity, lol why am i reminded by an episode of Friends where Joey proves to Pheobe that there is no such thing as a selfless good act because even then, it makes you feel good, and that's when it becomes selfish. THEREFORE, there's no such thing as a selfless good deed! lol

as humans, we are social people. and we need someone - someone special - to be there with us.

so perhaps even with true love there exists the selfish part where you want something in return. i'm reminded by a quote where it's stated that you sometimes sacrifice your whole life for someone, and they never even realize it.

if it has to be love...let it be pure. let it be from within ur heart. let it be unconditional. let it be free of materialism and outward beauty. let it be a spiritual bond. the ability to co-exist. there shouldn't be so many variations in love.

it should be just one :)

and u just made me speechless :) here...

to sum it up ;) selfish love isn't even love, it's just loving urself. love in its real meaning is what you mentioned, and it's just one true kind =D

thank u so much for your insightful words, i really love your comments!!!
and thanks for the quotes compliment lol

Shaykhspeara Sha'ira said...

Love is in the air it seems! wrote an entry on the subject myself and one never comes to one similar coclusion about what alove is and should be. could it perhaps be that as different as the conclusions are, as different do we percieve and express love?

Then ofcourse, some idealists would say real love is not selfish and therefor if it is, it is not love :) but...that's another story.

Seraph said...

true about the idealists.. but you could tell them MD's point, that love is about give and take, it's altruistic. you wouldn't have loved them in the first place ;) if they didn't do something for you.

i agree about the different perceptions, each person analyzes it differently yet most of us seem to come to the same conclusion.

I'll be checking ur update. Thanks for visiting my page! =D